Early yesterday evening I saw a teenage neighbor and her friend drive down our street, windows down, radio playing, friend in the passenger seat laughing, wind blowing through their hair. It was the picture of freedom.
I watched with admiration. It's been a while since I've looked like that. I no longer leave the house at 7:00 in the evening, windows down, by myself or with a friend. When I'm pulling away on our street, it's now in a minivan with three school-aged kids in tow. I'm the mom shuffling kids to the pool with a tote bag for towels and sunscreen, or to the library with a tote bag for books, or to the grocery store where I forget our reusable tote bags and exit with too many plastic bags instead. I always seem to be carrying things, like a Sherpa.
I'm the opposite of my teenage neighbor and her friend with the wind blowing through their hair.
Yet, as I watched their car disappear down my street, I remembered that years ago, when my children were babies, I often felt undeniably trapped during the evening hours. I could get through mornings and afternoons, but evenings sapped my resolve. My girls were most fussy after dinner, and I'd spend those languid evening hours rocking and pacing with a baby crying in my ear, feeling as if the walls of my house were closing in on me, that I might never make it through.
There were some desperate nights then.
Now, with school-aged kids, even though my days still brim with activity, shuffling, whining, correction, meal preparation, and cleaning up after messes, it's not quite as hard as those early years. When I watched my teenage neighbor drive away, I experienced a small surge of wistfulness at her freedom -- just enough to remind me of how powerful that urge had been years ago, how I had felt that I needed to get out or I'd suffocate.
I don't feel that intensity any longer. It's easier now.
But I know that some moms, especially you dear young moms who can't even slip out to Wal-Mart by yourselves for twenty minutes because babies need to nurse and toddlers are clingy, do feel this way. The baby keeps crying, the walls are closing in, and you feel -- even though you love your children -- that you're losing a part of your mind or yourself.
It's real.
And, as I learn mostly in hindsight, it's a stage that passes. You get yourself back.
One day we were the teenagers driving away, carefree. At some point, we might be the mom rocking the baby, watching the teenagers in the car and wishing it could be us. And maybe, just maybe, someone older watches us when we're with our young children, reminiscing wistfully about those earlier years because their own children have grown and are now gone. Life is funny. The cycles keep cycling.
But, today, if you're going through a hard part of the cycle, give yourself grace and keep going. It will pass soon enough. Somehow it always does.
No comments